Rage Recipes: Avocado Lime Cheesecake

Today, you useless bunch of food lovers, I'm gracing you with a recipe for Avocado Lime Cheesecake. Why did I choose this recipe, you may ask? Well, because everyone loves fucking cheesecake, but nobody has the balls to try this unique avocado and lime twist. So, get ready to indulge in this creamy, zesty, and downright orgasmic dessert. Now, let's get to it before I lose my goddamn mind!

Let's talk about fruit-infused water for a fucking second. Who came up with this bullshit idea that dropping a couple of sad berries into water makes it the elixir of life? I swear if I see one more Instagram post with some influencer sipping on cucumber and lemon water like it's the fucking fountain of youth, I'm gonna lose it. Drink your water straight, or shut the hell up.

• 1 ½ cups graham cracker crumbs (get ready to smash those damn crackers)
• ¼ cup white sugar (yeah, we're adding sweetness to all that bitter anger)
• ½ cup butter, melted (melt it like your cold heart)
• 3 ripe avocados, peeled and pitted (make sure the avocados are ripe, unlike your sorry ass)
• 1 cup cream cheese, softened (soften it up, we don't need any more hardasses in this world)
• 1 cup sweetened condensed milk (because you can't handle the bitterness of life)
• ½ cup fresh lime juice (squeeze those damn limes like they owe you money)
• 1 tablespoon lime zest (get that zest like your last bit of optimism)

1. Preheat your oven to 350°F (175°C), you lazy fucks. Grease a 9-inch springform pan because we don't want this beauty sticking like glue.

2. In a bowl, mix the graham cracker crumbs, sugar, and melted butter until combined. Press this mixture into the bottom of the prepared pan like you're crushing your hopes and dreams.

3. Bake the crust in the preheated oven for 8-10 minutes, until set. Remove it and let it cool completely, just like your cold, dead heart.

4. In a blender, blend the avocados, cream cheese, sweetened condensed milk, lime juice, and lime zest until smooth. Pour this green goodness over the cooled crust like a balm for your tortured soul.

5. Bake the cheesecake for 45-50 minutes until the center is almost set. Cool it completely, then refrigerate for at least 3 hours because good things come to those who wait, unlike you impatient losers.

6. Slice and serve this avocado lime cheesecake to your ungrateful guests and watch as they devour it like it's the last decent thing in their pathetic lives.

xoxo
The Very Fucking Angry Chef
posted on Friday, July 4 2025